A Regulated School Starts With Regulated Adults
Emotional regulation has become an increasingly familiar part of the conversation in education. We talk about helping students regulate their emotions, supporting teachers in managing stress, and creating classrooms where children feel safe, supported, and ready to learn. And for good reason. But with all this attention on emotional regulation, I sometimes wonder whether we have a shared understanding of what it actually means to be a regulated adult.
When I first began working in schools, I confused an emotionally regulated adult with a perfect adult. Someone who never got rattled. Never took a student's behavior personally. Never became frustrated when a lesson wasn't going as planned. Someone who could move through even the most challenging school day with seemingly endless patience.
And I don't think this misunderstanding is unique to educators. We hear about emotionally regulated teachers, emotionally regulated parents, and emotionally regulated leaders. But what are we really asking of people when we use that phrase? Because if being emotionally regulated means never experiencing frustration, anger, disappointment, embarrassment, or any of the other uncomfortable emotions that come with being human, we're setting an impossible standard.
Managing our emotions is not the same as not experiencing them.
We will feel our feelings. Sometimes intensely. Sometimes several at once. And sometimes at moments when we'd really rather not. Being a regulated adult doesn't mean eliminating those experiences. It means developing the awareness to recognize what's happening within ourselves and the skills to respond intentionally, even when we're experiencing difficult emotions.
And that distinction matters enormously in schools.
Why the Adult Matters
We talk so frequently about the importance of adult regulation because the way an adult responds to a dysregulated student can influence what happens next. A frustrated student interacting with an increasingly frustrated adult may find themselves in an escalating situation. But when an adult can recognize their own emotional response, maintain appropriate expectations, seek help when needed, and offer support without adding to the intensity of the moment, they can help create the conditions for the student to begin regulating.
Consider two classrooms returning from lunch.
In the first classroom, the teacher is already anticipating a difficult transition. Students enter loudly, several are still talking about something that happened in the cafeteria, and a few are having trouble settling into the next activity. The teacher feels frustration building.
The teacher begins repeating directions, raising her voice to be heard, and reminding students that they're wasting time. The students become increasingly unsettled, and what began as a challenging transition takes even longer to recover from.
Now imagine a second classroom. The students return from lunch with much of that same restless energy. They're talking, moving around, and struggling to shift their attention back to learning. That teacher feels frustrated, too. But she recognizes that frustration. She knows this is a predictable moment of the day when students may need additional support shifting their energy and attention.
Rather than responding to the noise with increasing urgency, she uses a familiar re-entry routine, provides clear expectations, provides a brief, predictable opportunity for students to practice self-regulation, and gives students an opportunity to make the shift back toward learning. Not every student settles immediately. Some still need additional support. But this teacher’s response helps make that transition more manageable rather than adding to its difficulty.
The difference isn't that one teacher experiences frustration and the other doesn't. It's what each teacher is able to do with that frustration.
Regulation Is a Practice, Not a Destination
When we begin to understand emotional regulation this way, we can stop treating it as a destination we're supposed to reach. It's a practice.
Just as we don't expect students to develop self-regulation after a single lesson, we shouldn't expect adults to consistently navigate emotionally challenging situations without opportunities to practice, reflect, and strengthen their skills.
This might change how we think about building a regulated school. Instead of hoping to hire teachers who are naturally calm, endlessly patient, and skilled at responding to every difficult situation, we can begin asking a different question: How are we helping the adults in our schools develop and practice the regulatory skills we're asking them to model for students?
Because when adults' emotional regulation skills are left entirely to individual teachers and staff, the experience of regulation can look very different from one classroom to the next.
When Regulation Depends on the Adult in the Room
Every school has teachers who seem particularly skilled at navigating emotionally challenging moments. They recognize when students are becoming overwhelmed. They know when to offer support, when to provide space, and how to maintain expectations without unnecessarily escalating a situation.
These teachers are often the people colleagues turn to when a student is having a particularly difficult day. But what happens when that expertise exists primarily within individual classrooms rather than across the school?
A student may experience one approach to dysregulation with their classroom teacher and something entirely different in the cafeteria, during specials, or while transitioning through the hallway. One adult might recognize that a student needs additional support to navigate a difficult transition. Another might interpret the same behavior as intentional defiance. And when these differences become part of students' everyday experiences, the predictability that supports regulation can begin to break down.
This doesn't mean every adult should respond identically to every situation. Different students, developmental stages, and circumstances require different levels of support. But there should be a shared understanding of what regulation is, what developmentally aligned dysregulation can look like, and how adults can respond in ways that support students while maintaining appropriate expectations.
Schoolwide consistency doesn't mean every adult does the same thing. It means students can reasonably predict how adults will support them when they struggle. And that kind of consistency rarely happens by accident. It requires intentional practice, shared expectations, and leadership that prioritizes the continued development of adult regulation as part of the school's culture.
What Does a School That Prioritizes Adult Regulation Look Like?
A school that prioritizes regulation isn't necessarily quieter than other schools. Students still become frustrated. Teachers still have difficult days. Transitions don't always go as planned, and there will be moments when adults respond in ways they wish they hadn't.
The difference is in how the school approaches those moments.
In a school where adult regulation is part of the culture, staff share a common language for understanding student behavior and responding to dysregulation. And that language extends beyond classrooms. It's reflected in conversations between teachers and paraprofessionals, discussions during student support meetings, conferences with families, and even the casual conversations that take place throughout the school day.
Instead of stopping at "He's being defiant," adults might begin asking what happened before the behavior, what the student may have been struggling to manage, and what support could help them respond differently next time.
This doesn't mean avoiding accountability or dismissing inappropriate behavior. It means recognizing that understanding the conditions surrounding a behavior can help adults respond more effectively.
And just as importantly, adults have opportunities to practice these responses before they find themselves in emotionally demanding situations.
Consider how frequently we ask students to practice routines, transitions, and regulation strategies. We understand that repetition helps children develop skills they can eventually access with greater independence.
Why wouldn't we apply that same understanding to the adults supporting them?
When developing emotional regulation skills becomes part of the school's culture, adults are not simply expected to know how to respond. They are given opportunities to learn, rehearse, reflect, and improve.
And when an interaction doesn't go well, there is room for reflection, responsibility, and repair. After all, a regulated school isn't a school where adults never become dysregulated. Rather, it's a school where developing the capacity to regulate is an ongoing part of the work.
Where School Leaders Can Begin
As a school leader, you are not responsible for managing every adult's emotions. That's an impossible expectation. We can influence one another, offer support, and create conditions that make regulation more accessible. But ultimately, each adult is responsible for their own behavior and professional conduct.
What school leaders can do is create an environment where adults have opportunities to strengthen their regulatory skills and where expectations for supportive, professional responses are clear.
And that doesn't necessarily require another program or an entirely new professional development initiative.
Here are three places to begin.
1. Develop a Shared Language Around Regulation
Think about the language adults use when discussing students who are struggling.
Are staff members using similar language to describe dysregulation? Do they share an understanding of co-regulation? Are they approaching challenging behavior with curiosity while still maintaining clear expectations?
Developing a shared language can help create greater consistency across classrooms, grade levels, and school environments.
And this work should include everyone who interacts with students. Teachers, paraprofessionals, counselors, administrators, cafeteria staff, and other support personnel all contribute to the regulatory experiences students have throughout the day. By creating opportunities for staff to discuss what regulation looks like in practice, a shared understanding is built that adults can draw upon when students need support.
2. Make Regulation Practice Part of Existing Staff Meetings
We often ask teachers to demonstrate complex skills in the middle of challenging situations, sometimes with very little opportunity to practice those skills beforehand. But some of the most emotionally demanding moments of the school day are also the most predictable.
Students struggle to transition after recess. Conflicts emerge during lunch. A child refuses to begin an assignment. A parent becomes upset during a conference.
These are opportunities for intentional practice. Consider using five or ten minutes of an existing staff meeting to explore a realistic scenario.
3. Create Conditions Where Adults Can Ask for Support
Even with strong skills and consistent practice, there will be moments when adults become overwhelmed.
A teacher may recognize that their frustration is beginning to interfere with their ability to respond effectively. A paraprofessional may need additional support during a challenging interaction. A staff member may simply be having a particularly difficult day.
In a school that prioritizes regulation, recognizing the need for support shouldn't be viewed as a failure. It should be understood as part of responsible professional practice. This might mean establishing a clear process for requesting assistance, ensuring staff know who to contact when a situation becomes overwhelming, or creating opportunities to debrief after difficult interactions.
Of course, these supports need to be practical and must maintain appropriate student supervision and safety. And prioritizing adult regulation doesn't mean excusing inappropriate adult behavior. When an adult responds in a way that is harmful or unprofessional, school leaders still have a responsibility to address it. But accountability and support don't have to be opposing ideas. We can hold adults responsible for their actions while also helping them develop the skills and access the resources needed to respond more effectively in the future.
A Regulated School Is Built Through Practice
When I first encountered the idea of being a regulated adult, I imagined someone who had somehow mastered the ability to remain calm regardless of what was happening around them. Someone who never became frustrated, overwhelmed, or emotionally reactive. But that's not what emotional regulation asks of us.
It asks us to develop a relationship with our emotions that allows us to recognize what we're experiencing and make more intentional choices about how we respond. And like any skill, that takes practice.
The same is true when we're thinking about building a regulated school. We don't need to create schools filled with adults who never become dysregulated. We need to create schools where adults understand regulation, have opportunities to practice it, and share a commitment to supporting students through the emotionally demanding moments of the school day.
That doesn't happen simply because we introduce a calming strategy, designate a calm corner, or offer a single professional development session. These resources can be valuable, but they are most effective when they exist within a larger culture that supports regulation across the school day.
A regulated school isn't built by expecting emotional perfection from adults. It's built by making the practice of regulation part of how the school operates.
And that work begins with adults.
Building Adult Capacity for Regulation
If you're beginning to think about how the adults in your school understand, practice, and respond to dysregulation, that's a valuable place to start.
You don't need a staff that never becomes frustrated or overwhelmed. You need a culture where adults have opportunities to develop their regulatory skills, share a common understanding of how to support students, and reflect on their responses when things don't go as planned.
And as a school leader, you don't have to figure out how to build that culture alone.
During a complimentary Regulation Systems Mapping Session, we can explore how adult responses are shaping students' experiences throughout your school, where staff may benefit from greater alignment, and what opportunities exist to strengthen the support and practice available to adults.